Emotions
by CalliopeMused
Summary: Raven said that she doesn't feel emotions. She lied. [Series of oneshots]
1. Love

_Raven and all mentioned characters and places aren't mine. _

_For They-Call-Me-Orange: she knows why. (And she's just that kickass.) _

**Love**  
I'm not supposed to love him.

It goes against everything. Every last lesson with Azar, every time that I learned control, every time that I saw my mother from a distance and wished for her serenity, each and every time I meditated instead of leaving my room.

He wouldn't leave me alone. I hated it, at first. Like I was supposed to. Good Raven. Nothing comes out of hatred- nothing's supposed to, anyway. Except… something did, and I don't know how to tell my team. What would my mother say? What expression would Azar make, to hear just how badly I have messed this up?

I wasn't supposed to love anybody, but sometimes, when I really didn't want to meditate- he was there. I can't even think straight, remembering all those times when I was lonely and someone reminded me that I wasn't alone. So help me, I didn't want to be alone. I don't want to be alone. That's the only reason that I haven't admitted it out loud just yet- I won't be able to take it if they talk me out of this.

It's not natural, and it's the most natural thing in the world. I'm not supposed to love anyone- but every last drop of blood in my veins says that I love him, and I feel safe. I shouldn't feel safe, not when he scares me- but I do. I remember, being scared of him in the night, and wondering if I should scream- but he saved me.

I'm not alone, not anymore. I love him. I should, I do, I will- nobody can change my mind.

If I could change it- would I?

If I love him- I could lose control. I could ruin everything this team has worked for- can I put my own happiness over the team? I wish that I could say no, but I'm selfish. I've never had something like this before. I've never had someone wish me good night, before him. When I'm lonely- he knows. I don't know how he knows, but he's always there with something- an apology from when he made me snap, a comment that makes me think of smiling, or just his assurances that he loves me, and that it's okay if I don't feel the same way. I only need to be myself. It's enough.

If I don't love him, if I push him away- it'll hurt us both. I didn't know that he could be hurt, until I knew for days how he was feeling. If I don't love him- I don't know what I'll do with myself.

He terrifies me.

He makes bad days better with a few caring words said at just the right time.

He doesn't care that I'm half-demonic, or that I don't show emotion, or that sometimes I wish so hard to feel that it's enough to keep me meditating for hours while I calm down one stray thought. He's- there, and I love him. That's the end of it. He hasn't pushed me- he's waiting for me to make my decisions, and just gives advice when I need it.

I love him, and most days it feels like the most perfect and right thing in the world.

But some days, when it's dark and he scares me and I want nothing more than to cringe away and run and hide and run- some days I wonder how I love my father.


	2. Regret

_I don't own the Titans. I'm not entirely sure I own this idea- it came out of nowhere and wouldn't leave until I had it in type, even if capturing it took months. I had the idea on September 30th, 2006. This was posted January 26th, 2007._

**Regret**  
I saw a ghost this afternoon.

She walked into the tiny restaurant confidently, looking over her shoulder at a friend. The two girls dropped black ties into purses as they made their way to the back counter without hesitating. They had been there before, from the easy way they chatted with Sophie. They ordered without asking for one of the hand-written menus.

I didn't watch the brunette waiting for their drinks. Instead, I watched a blonde memory make her way to a table by the window, and felt her small rush of triumph as she claimed the table for two. She rooted through her purse for mascara, and applied it quickly without use of a mirror.

I knew. Emotions can be changed, but there was that same mixture of loneliness and the need to belong. I didn't feel the uncertainty, the yellow-gold flare of caution that usually had occupied her mind. Instead, I only felt her subtle pleasure. Boys wearing similar uniforms had just happened to come to the small tea shop, an eclectic narrow space with the windows only in front, and they were susceptible to those blue eyes.

Until my hand was on my communicator, I hadn't realized that I had considered calling them. We hadn't believed Beast Boy- at least not when he first told us. It seemed too good to be true, that she was somehow better, that something had worked out right. Her statue had been gone, and the cavern had seemed empty with only a plaque and dried flowers.

I focused on my tea. I had been distracted by their entrance, and had let it steep too long. It was bitter, but hot. Sugar would have sweetened it, but I didn't need the extra attention. The restaurant was one of few places where I was just Raven, and that's what made my decision. I needed one place where I wasn't a Titan. The team was everything, but I had to exist outside of it. It's only realistic to know that we won't last forever. One teammate had already fallen- how many more of us would?

I didn't linger. I don't think that she did remember, and that was better. My last words to her had been a threat, but I could think of nothing to replace them. No books explained just what to do in that situation.

I left a tip beneath my saucer. A few people stared as I walked towards the door, an inevitable fact of living in Jump City. The cape didn't help, but civilian clothes would only prolong that flash of recognition.

She saw me. I glanced her way, just for a moment, and wondered what she saw.

Did she see a Teen Titan, or did some part of her remember a teammate?

Recognition flashed in her eyes, and layers of knotted emotions rose, whisper-quiet.

I could feel her gaze following me down the side street, but didn't turn. She would be the one to make that choice. I left without any further acknowledgement. Maybe I could bring back those suppressed memories, but it would not be kind. It would have been better to talk about control with a wide-eyed girl, newly arrived at the Tower. It's too late for that, now. Those old bitter tastes have already been washed under the bridge.

It's too late for anything good to come out of those latent memories. There might be some happy moments, of those times when we were a team- but for every one of those, there was a betrayal or a cold word or some moment in that cavern. I can't help her. We can't help her.

Don't remember us, Terra.


	3. Lonely

_One of those odd little thoughts that sneaks onto paper. I don't own the Teen Titans. Posted March 4th, 2007._

**Lonely**  
I still don't know why they ask me.

Beast Boy did it first, when he had a present for Terra. I am an empath, which was an excuse enough the first time, so I felt the twisted emotions. Shy anticipation and nervous hope, like wrinkled tissue paper tied with a smooth ribbon that twists around fingers- but it wasn't for me. I talked to him, and was just rooms away when that crinkling worry changed into stuttering happiness.

Robin was next. Beast Boy had mentioned that I helped, so it became my lot in life to advise just what a girl would like. Beast Boy's excuse was that I knew more about normal girls than Starfire, and it was only later that I knew those words stung. Robin avoids explanation, and I don't look too closely into his emotions. All but the surface emotions are twined with barbed wire.

He wanted to know if Starfire's feelings would be hurt, if he showed her what humans usually ate- and then I felt that half-step-back hesitation. They know that I'm not entirely human, but not how I react to any mention of that. I ignored that implication, and instead remarked that Starfire would be thrilled. He would have to save the concept of substitutions for later, but…

There was a flash of thanks and a brief nod, and then Robin was off to prepare. Cyborg saw that the computer in Robin's workroom was covered with recipes, and then he asked a few questions about what a guy says to a girl.

I'm an empath. They live with me- don't they know I'm not apathetic? I almost snapped at Starfire this afternoon, just because she wanted to ask me about a comment of Robin's.

I should be flattered that they are asking my opinion, I know. They trust my opinions. They think I understand them, maybe that I know more emotions than they do. It's not true. I know how people react to certain displays, perhaps- but I don't know how it feels when fast-paced tension blossoms into relief. Do sincere compliments feel different than beautiful lies? I believed Malchior, fool that I am, and still don't know if that's how flattering words are meant to feel.

It's always someone else's romance, someone else's cause. Just once- or is it just one more time?- I want it to be about me.


	4. Empathy

_The Titans still aren't mine. I wrote this in March, and just found the ending today._

**Empathy**  
I waited a few minutes before giving the old line.

I didn't have to meditate. They know, but didn't say anything.

I won't lie for myself, but Cyborg has enough to deal with. The two visitors don't know that I never take the elevator to my room. The three Titans in the common room know the garage is through that door.

I say his name, nothing else. There are no emotions to read, his body language is stiff; something big is wrong. I walk towards the T-Car. General maintenance wasn't always on schedule, when villains interrupted.

He doesn't say a thing while we drain out the old oil. I've spent enough time in the garage to know just which container of oil is used during late spring. His car was pampered, but 'she' (as he insists on calling her) is more than reliable. She needs to be. That car can recover from anything. Cyborg and I spent five weeks in the garage after Terra's betrayal, when she totaled that car. I had fumed in silence for most of that time. Terra had known every weakness.

Starfire's protectiveness for Robin, my control, Cyborg's car, Robin' sense of fairness, and Beast Boy… Terra still was working on him, no matter what she was calling herself.

One time, Cyborg said more than usual. He asked if he could borrow an ear. I agreed, of course, and had listened while he explained about Terra.

A few months later, he had mentioned her again, but the topic changed while he thought in spoken words. The last time they had fought the HIVE, Jinx had looked at him like he was just another Titan. No accusatory glares, no barbed words, no cool glances- and then he had seen her with Kid Flash and understood.

That was why he was in the garage. Kid Flash and Jinx were visiting, again. She isn't a criminal, now. She reformed. Jinx is sarcastic, confident- and happy.

Empathy isn't an emotion reserved for half-demons. I know which emotions he feels, but I know that I feel the same.

Cyborg wants to talk, I know, but he can't find the words.

This time, I ask if he would mind being a sounding board.

He listens, and an hour has passed before I realize. I had more to say about Terra than I realized. I didn't know how much it would help, to describe just what had happened when we fought. I'll still have nightmares, but maybe those won't be as common. If she could betray us… I trust the others, but nightmares leave no quarter.

I don't realize just what that sharing means until later, when daylight will last for another half hour.

He's going, again.

Jinx and Kid Flash are gone, so it's only us. Starfire frowns. Robin bites back a disapproving question. I stare at the same page of a book until the old language comes back to me.

Cyborg only glances at Beast Boy. Of all of us, Cyborg knows him best.

He still leaves. A green hawk soars into the dying day to fly over _her _neighborhood, 'just in case.' He's checking the foundations for cracks, sidewalks for unexplained damage, concrete for changes. He's looking for a sign that she's ready to come home, that she remembers him.

She won't, I want to tell him- but I don't know him well. Not anymore. He's been more distant since he saved us all. He doesn't need us like he did. He knows that if we were gone, he could fight. He would not crumple.

He has grown up, just like we wanted. He can stand on his own two feet, or four paws, or whatever it is he has. He thinks that he can rescue her.

She didn't want to be saved, Beast Boy. If she is the same girl, she still won't. If she isn't- what are you going to do?

Cyborg's eyes meet mine for just a moment, when a flying silhouette is in the distance. He doesn't say a word, but I only need the emotion.

Empathy.

There's someone else. Maybe we would have a chance, otherwise- but we don't. It's not much of a consolation prize, but it's enough.

The worried glances from Starfire and Robin are too much, so I walk away. I phase through the wrong door, and he follows a few moments later. We've been meaning to check the brakes. It's a long process, to search for anything that could possibly go wrong, but we both have someone else on our mind.


	5. Regret II

_Switched: Season One, Episode Seven_

**Raven** _(in Starfire's body)_: Starfire! You have to calm down. My powers are driven by emotion. The more you feel, the more energy you unleash.**  
Starfire** _(in Raven's body)_: But what if they find us? What if our friends are doomed? _(as a big sweat drop rolls down Raven's head) _What if I am stuck looking like this forever?  
_(Starfire's head spins on her neck several times-think The Exorcist.)_**  
Raven**: We'll fix it. I don't know how, but we will rescue the boys and we will get our bodies back._ (Pause.)_ What's wrong with the way I look?**  
Starfire**: _(hastily)_ Nothing.

_Transcript from www(dot)titansgo(dot)net_

_This story will be occasionally updated as I remember that I've had files sitting on my computer for over a year. Thank you for all of the reviews on previous chapters. _

_

* * *

_

"Raven?"

"I need to meditate, Starfire, and I'm not ready for another trip to the mall."

"I very much enjoyed the mall of shopping yesterday, friend Raven, but wish to discuss something else. When we did the switching of the powers-"

"When we fought the Puppet King."

"Yes. Why are you so saddened to speak of it? We were victorious."

"I don't think I can talk about that, Starfire. Not now."

"I should have apologized days ago. In looking back, I believe I made comments that were very insensitive. I was very angry that our friends were in danger, and frightened to not know how to help them. I unfairly took out my frustrations upon you."

Silence.

"Friend Raven?"

"I can't talk about that yet, Starfire."

"Please, you have been quieter than is your norm over the past days. Must you keep all to yourself?"

"I'm not ready. I still remember what it's like, to— Dwelling on it will accomplish nothing. You saw what happened when I lost control with Dr. Light."

"Yes. Friends Cyborg and Beast Boy spoke to you for some time afterward."

Silence.

"They accidentally found a portal into my mind. It was dangerous, but they stayed to help me. I didn't ask them to come."

"You need not seem so surprised. You know that any of us would stay to help you in times of danger."

"It's hard for me to understand that, Starfire."

"It is hard for me to understand _you_, when you will not speak to me except when we must."

"I don't know if I'll ever be able to talk about your powers, or how it felt to have them. I can't feel that way again."

"We both can fly, friend Raven. The stretch of air above the Tower is free of anything that would break. If you were to lose control, I would catch you."

Silence.

"Please, Raven, we could try—"

"You saw what happened to Dr. Light. That was after just a small loss in control. I can't let that happen again. I won't."

Silence.

"I apologize for upsetting you, friend Raven, but cannot let you believe that what I said still is correct. Your ways of power frightened me, and our friends were in danger. I did not think of what I would say. I should never have insulted your appearance, and it was most rude of me to say anything of that sort."

"You don't have to apologize, Starfire."

"I have, of my own free will. Will you believe me when I say those words were nothing you should take to heart? It was bad of me to speak without thinking."

"Starfire-"

"I do not wish to injure your feelings, especially when you are allowed so few of them."

Silence, but this one is shorter.

"Then I accept your apology, Starfire."

Starfire didn't understand why the others said that Raven's emotions were impossible to read. They were very quiet, but that made it all the more obvious when Raven felt something strong. Starfire knew she saw hints of surprised pleasure, and she smiled in response. "In truth, I have no desire to venture to the mall of shopping today. May I meditate with you?"

There was silence again, but this one came with all the hints of a broader smile. The skin at the corners of the eyes shifted slightly, there was motion in the cheeks, and the corners of Raven's mouth nearly moved. That meant that she was happy, and the small nod that followed meant that Raven had agreed.

Starfire didn't like meditating very much, but Raven would do anything for them and ask nothing in return. The least Starfire could do was make sure that Raven didn't pass all of her time alone.


End file.
